#FeelingsOutLoud

After having my “ego” bruised a little too much, I’m starting to see that I am definitley part of the problem. I’ve noticed a pattern. When I do allow a guy to get close to me, or when I do actually take down a few BRICKS...I tend to also just make that guy my main priority. Like literally it’s all about making sure he’s okay and that I’m making him happy. I’ve noticed I will neglect quite a lot..for that guy.  I’m at a point in my life right now where I should be focused on....God and having a better relationship with him...Also.. ME...my KIDS...(not someone else’s)...and my recovery.  I know what I need to change, and I’m glad that I’m at least aware of what issues...(which there’s a LOT) but I’m aware, and I’m definitley going to work on them. Not for anyone else, but for me.  I’m just glad that I can see where I AM the problem...or part of it...and not play victim. I really try not to be that woman who needs sympathy.  I’m learning what most women aren’t taught.....

I’ll never get a certain time  back that I lost. That’s in the past and so are the bad choices I made. I can only choose to live my life different today. I’ve held onto a lot of guilt and shame for a long time now...but today...just for today, I want to let that go...I want to move on...I want to forgive myself...and I want forgiveness. What I didn’t realize is how do I seek forgiveness...when I can’t even forgive myself? So today...I’m going to give this burden away...and finally move on. Today...I’m going to finally stop talking about letting go...and actually let shit go. I’ve been given many many “chances”. There’s no such thing as “second chances” in my life. I’ve gotten way more chances than that...and I’m grateful...but damn it’s time to stop asking for another chance and actually take advantage of one. I’m so tired of being weak. I’m tired of being the victim. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’ve been so blessed and so far...I’ve taken everything and every...

Me, the difficult one. Given that title at birth, or maybe I earned it. Either way...I own it. Your welcome. I am unapologetic about me, because the dirty paths have taught me not to be sorry for who I am. So I’m not. Maybe that sounds cold, but who are you to judge the temperature of my heart if you’ve never offered your own. This ever, so complicated puzzle of me, it’s only for the ones much deeper than language written on the skin. Bring me the one who’s not afraid to rip me open...take my heart out...listen closely to what the butterflies say, and turn it into poetry. I dare you to love me like that.

I know it's hard to believe...but I really am happy being single. I'm okay with casual dating...don't get me wrong..when I say "casual" I don't mean sleeping around, just enjoying another mans company from time to time. And if something progresses from that then so be it. I won't run from my feelings. I may hold back a little...but that's just because I'm in no rush. There's no reason to try and hurry up a boyfriend. For me, it's not the end of the world to be single. Unfortunately, I think too many women give us a bad stereotype of desperation. Like there's something wrong with a woman if she's been single for longer than normal, or that she's lying when she says she enjoys being single. It's not a "front". I'm not trying to put any guard up...or hide from love...I am just genuinely content being single! When I feel like I'm ready to get serious about love and relationships I'll make my next move! It...

Being ignored by people you used to call family. How quickly people turn on you...forget about you...literally act as if you don't even exist anymore! What's really unfortunate is how it doesn't seem to even phase them...yet it's been over a year now since I've been "outcasted", and to this day I still make attempts to reach out...hoping for some sort of an acknowledgment, but I get absolute nothing. I would feel ashamed for treating anyone that way...let alone someone who was called a FAMILY member at one time. I guess it's time to let this go...no point in setting myself up for disappointment any longer. It's been made pretty clear they want no part in my life or mine in theirs. I didn't want that bridge to burn...and I still don't feel it needs to be like this...in fact I'm pretty sure divorce is a common thing these days...and family's don't just cut you out cause you no longer are legally related. Especially when kids are i...

I think some people take me the wrong way. I'm misunderstood...maybe it's the things I say or the way I say it. The words I use? I'm not sure...and I've been told many times not to worry what other people think about me...which that's easier said than done...let's be honest...I live away from my family and most of my friends...so starting over isn't as easy when you don't know many people...and the people you do know...well, they seem to have made their minds up after seeing things from "one side of the fence". So yea, I'll admit....I probably do put forth more efforts than the next person...worrying or stressing about what other people think of me. I try to hard to make people like me or accept me. It's something I guess I need to work on. But the one thing that isn't fake on my half....or a "front". That's my happiness. I love my life...I have no regrets! I'm just a "deep" thinking kinda girl, and I ex...