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Figuring it Out

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By Sarah Lynn Lilley

I’ll never get a certain time  back that I lost. That’s in the past and so are the bad choices I made. I can only choose to live my life different today. I’ve held onto a lot of guilt and shame for a long time now...but today...just for today, I want to let that go...I want to move on...I want to forgive myself...and I want forgiveness. What I didn’t realize is how do I seek forgiveness...when I can’t even forgive myself? So today...I’m going to give this burden away...and finally move on. Today...I’m going to finally stop talking about letting go...and actually let shit go. I’ve been given many many “chances”. There’s no such thing as “second chances” in my life. I’ve gotten way more chances than that...and I’m grateful...but damn it’s time to stop asking for another chance and actually take advantage of one. I’m so tired of being weak. I’m tired of being the victim. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’ve been so blessed and so far...I’ve taken everything and everyone in my life for granted. It’s sad. 
But instead of being mad at myself and putting myself down....today...I do something different. Today I make a change. Today I do something I’ve never really, truly have done before and that’s take action. I’m going to stop expecting life to show up at my front door...stop expecting the right people to show up in my life...the right friend..the right man...the right job...ugh the list goes on. Life has been easy for me...I can admit I’ve definitley been spoiled and very blessed. I’ve had hard times...I’ve been through some crappy things that I don’t wish on anyone, but I refuse to let that be an excuse anymore. 
It’s so past time I grow up and wake up. I’m so ready for something else...I’m fed up with the old me...I’m fed up with who I’ve been...and what I’ve been allowing. It’s not okay...I pray this isn’t just some moment that I’m having. I pray to God this is some kind of real awakening. I just don’t have the time to lose anymore time. 


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