A Little Stuck….

I’ve been kinda stuck in “limbo” lately….just not really feeling anything. I’ve just felt kinda numb to everyone and everything, keep to myself…and I guess just trying to figure out what my new “normal” is gonna be. Since the break-up that I recently went through, everything has just been flipped upside down…and I lost a big part of who I was in that relationship. But….I’m starting to think I didn’t like who I was too much back then anyways….obviously he didn’t either. So I’m not exactly fighting to keep her here….I’m letting who I was with him, letting her and him go. Good Riddance. 

I made that a rule after him and I broke up that I can’t lay around in my damn bed and feel sorry for myself all day or for any longer than he is laying around crying over me. And that’s none…so none for me either.  I don’t want to live like that, that won’t fix a damn thing, and it won’t bring him back to me…which again….something else I am not so sure I want back. See….? Slowly…..but surely….I. Am. Learning. 

Anyways…I have goals again, and so many things I want to do or experience. I want to be proud of myself again, I want to know that I can take care of myself and my kids and family all by myself and I don’t have to rely on someone else to do that. I am an adult, now I just need to start acting like one again. 

I’m slowly ….but surely getting less depressed since I’ve stopped taking depression meds. And as for the guy that just ripped my heart into shreds….like literally demolished my heart…..yea it still hurts like hell, but I’ve been reading up on and learning about toxic relationships, about manipulation and control and what dating a narcissist can feel like. Long story short, it’s basically abuse or gets to that point. And most times, the person who has the narcissist personality, usually doesn’t even know it, and it stays an undiagnosed, and untreated problem that just continues to hurt and ruin lives. From the little “research” that I’ve done so far with all of that, it has all become very clear what he has been doing to me since day one and damn it’s like borderline textbook. Like he could have his picture next to the word “narcissist” in the dictionary…my ex husband would be right there next to him too! (I am so rolling my eyes right now) 

My therapist told me, after my divorce…that I would find my way right back into the arms of another controlling man. “Ha!” I laughed and told her, “I would be a fool to not notice that type of behavior and manipulation”. See, I just assumed, since I just got out of a marriage with a controlling and manipulative man, that I was now some kind of expert on the subject, and I wouldn’t have a problem seeing the signs next time around. 

Well, I am the biggest damn fool of them all. That’s where you’ll find my picture, right next to the word “Fool” in the dictionary. Probably also next to the words “idiot”, “push-over”, and “weak”. 

So….embarrassed and disappointed in myself was an understatement, because I found myself right back in a relationship that I fought so hard to get out of, and stay away from. I put myself right back into another one. And didn’t even realize it until it was too late, and more damage had been done to my already beaten up heart. The signs just aren’t apparent to me at all. I must be color blind when it comes to “red flags”. 

I’m just a silly silly woman…still very naive, still too trusting, and I just expect everyone else to have a good heart and good intentions same as mine, but almost every time, I learn the hard way, that just isn’t true. 

I have a lot I’ve got to fix when it comes to myself. I obviously don’t value or love myself very much, if at all….because once I DID see what was going on, I still allowed him to continue treating me like shit. I accepted it, and set my bar so damn low that I was apologizing to him, for things I didn’t even do! I would actually apologize to him, for shit HE DID TO ME. 

When, and how the hell did I become THAT woman? I definitley wasn’t raised to be okay with any of that. But it’s like I am such a damn “people pleaser” that I find myself trying to accommodate everyone else…making sure they’re happy with me and if there’s something I can do that makes them like me more, then I bend over backwards to do that for them. I think it’s definitley time for me to worry about me for a change. Sometimes I think everyone has to do that, take time for themselves, be a little selfish and just love yourself. 

The other day I found myself going somewhere to see someone, and I was in a bad mood, but didn’t even know why, I asked myself….what do I want? Am I doing this right now for me or is it for someone else, and I’m doing it only so that they won’t be mad at me? 

Answer was…It wasn’t for me. I didn’t even want to go where I was going, and it just blows my mind that I have been completely ignoring my own wants and needs for so damn long that I’ve got to actually ask myself …silly questions like that. 

Like I said, I’ve got a lot of work to do within myself. I’ve got years and years of verbal abuse, and some physical abuse to somehow pull out from the rug I always sweep it under. I need to face certain events that happened to me, and deal with all of it. Then move on and let it go. And of course the toxic relationships that I seem to always find myself in, I need to learn how to see those red flags and those warning signs BEFORE I’m laying down, tied to the train track. 

So I guess time will tell if I can do any of this. I pray I can. I really crave happiness, and to feel loved again. I mean really truly loved, and it not be manipulative or temporary. 

Maybe ya’ll can say a little prayer for me, if I come to mind. And I will pray for anyone out there who has been mentally or physically abused, anyone who maybe doesn’t love themselves very much because they don’t think they deserve it, and anyone who might be currently involved in an abusive situation, please reach out! I pray for all of ya’ll!