Unsent letter….

 I wanna message you so bad, but I won’t because it would only lead to more gaslighting and manipulation. You’re a dark rabbit hole that I just can’t entertain any longer. But if I did message you, I would tell you I miss you so much, and wish you were holding me right now. I just need a hug from you, something that I rarely ever got. In fact, those good feelings that I wish I could get a little bit of right now, don’t exist. Because the version of you that I miss doesn’t exist. So thankfully, I am not writing this to you right now, and I can save myself some dignity and just write it down and then maybe burn one day when I don’t care anymore. I’m not there yet, but soon the non-existent person of you that I miss will be non existent in my mind and I’ll no longer be writing anything pertaining to you. The real and fake you. I love you so much and I miss you so bad that it hurts. Loving you seems to hurt more and more these days. It wasn’t always like that, until it was. Ok, enough…I told myself I wouldn’t spend too much time on this letter that I won’t send you…because I know you’re not spending any of your time even thinking about me. You’re certainly not writing any letters that won’t get sent. I’ve given you more than I should’ve…times 100000. You gave me only what I begged for.  You’re just on my mind, but that’s as far as I let it go. No further than my thoughts and this paper. Too dangerous to take it any further. Fear of losing more of myself would be the outcome. I release these thoughts. I felt them, and now I release them. Tomorrow is another day, and maybe each day that passes I’ll find less and less thoughts of you. I hope with all I’ve got and all that I am that that’s true.