Self Sabotage

I can feel it—there’s a brighter, happier life out there just waiting for me, beckoning me to leave this one behind. But the unknown is terrifying, and so I stay stuck, clinging to what’s familiar even though it’s slowly drowning me.

It’s like this new life has been waving its arms frantically, trying to get my attention. It’s begging me to let go of certain people who are dragging me down, to kick those bad habits to the curb, to take bigger, bolder steps, and to make choices that actually serve me. I know the direction I should be heading, but instead, I’m either gazing wistfully at the past or taking hesitant steps down the wrong path.

I’m standing here at this fork in the road, my feet buried in the mud of my old life. And even though there are hands reaching out to help me, I ignore them, choosing the torment I know over the possibility of something better. Why do I do this to myself? How have I become so comfortable in the pain and stillness of this old life?

Help me, God! I’m sinking, and that better life—the one full of light and promise—feels like it’s slipping further and further away. I’m scared it won’t wait forever. The longer I stay stuck here, clinging to the past and the pain, the further that better life drifts from me.

Please, dear Lord, help me. I’m so lost and so tired of this life and the constant hurt. I want more. I want better. I want happiness. But I’ve forgotten how to move forward. Please, teach me how to walk again. Show me how to break free from this cycle and step into the life I’m meant to live. I know it’s out there—I just need the courage to reach for it.

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Comments

Unsent letter….

I wanna message you so bad, but I won’t because it would only lead to more gaslighting and manipulation. You’re a dark rabbit hole that I just can’t entertain any longer. But if I did message you, I would tell you I miss you so much, and wish you were holding me right now. I just need a hug from you, something that I rarely ever got. In fact, those good feelings that I wish I could get a little bit of right now, don’t exist. Because the version of you that I miss doesn’t exist. So thankfully, I am not writing this to you right now, and I can save myself some dignity and just write it down and then maybe burn one day when I don’t care anymore. I’m not there yet, but soon the non-existent person of you that I miss will be non existent in my mind and I’ll no longer be writing anything pertaining to you. The real and fake you. I love you so much and I miss you so bad that it hurts. Loving you seems to hurt more and more these days. It wasn’t always like that, until it was. Ok, enough...

Outcasted

Being ignored by people you used to call family. How quickly people turn on you...forget about you...literally act as if you don't even exist anymore! What's really unfortunate is how it doesn't seem to even phase them...yet it's been over a year now since I've been "outcasted", and to this day I still make attempts to reach out...hoping for some sort of an acknowledgment, but I get absolute nothing. I would feel ashamed for treating anyone that way...let alone someone who was called a FAMILY member at one time. I guess it's time to let this go...no point in setting myself up for disappointment any longer. It's been made pretty clear they want no part in my life or mine in theirs. I didn't want that bridge to burn...and I still don't feel it needs to be like this...in fact I'm pretty sure divorce is a common thing these days...and family's don't just cut you out cause you no longer are legally related. Especially when kids are i...

Happily Single!

I know it's hard to believe...but I really am happy being single. I'm okay with casual dating...don't get me wrong..when I say "casual" I don't mean sleeping around, just enjoying another mans company from time to time. And if something progresses from that then so be it. I won't run from my feelings. I may hold back a little...but that's just because I'm in no rush. There's no reason to try and hurry up a boyfriend. For me, it's not the end of the world to be single. Unfortunately, I think too many women give us a bad stereotype of desperation. Like there's something wrong with a woman if she's been single for longer than normal, or that she's lying when she says she enjoys being single. It's not a "front". I'm not trying to put any guard up...or hide from love...I am just genuinely content being single! When I feel like I'm ready to get serious about love and relationships I'll make my next move! It...

A Little Stuck….

I’ve been kinda stuck in “limbo” lately….just not really feeling anything. I’ve just felt kinda numb to everyone and everything, keep to myself…and I guess just trying to figure out what my new “normal” is gonna be. Since the break-up that I recently went through, everything has just been flipped upside down…and I lost a big part of who I was in that relationship. But….I’m starting to think I didn’t like who I was too much back then anyways….obviously he didn’t either. So I’m not exactly fighting to keep her here….I’m letting who I was with him, letting her and him go. Good Riddance. I made that a rule after him and I broke up that I can’t lay around in my damn bed and feel sorry for myself all day or for any longer than he is laying around crying over me. And that’s none…so none for me either. I don’t want to live like that, that won’t fix a damn thing, and it won’t bring him back to me…which again….something else I am not so sure I want back. See….? Slowly…..but surel...

Me, the difficult one…

Me, the difficult one. Given that title at birth, or maybe I earned it. Either way...I own it. Your welcome. I am unapologetic about me, because the dirty paths have taught me not to be sorry for who I am. So I’m not. Maybe that sounds cold, but who are you to judge the temperature of my heart if you’ve never offered your own. This ever, so complicated puzzle of me, it’s only for the ones much deeper than language written on the skin. Bring me the one who’s not afraid to rip me open...take my heart out...listen closely to what the butterflies say, and turn it into poetry. I dare you to love me like that.

My Big Wake-up Call

I’m just as silly and naive now…as I was when I was younger. Except now, I don’t have any excuses for it, by now I should be rock solid, can’t break through my walls….like military grade type shit. But nope….I somehow stay all weak and emotional and too nice, too forgiving, and definitley too damn accommodating to everyone except for myself. I mean it makes sense right? My heart is literally shattered…and some days it hurts to even breathe…but I make sure that I put a brave face on….and pretend like my life is okay…it’s not great…but it’s okay. Because no one wants to be around a sad person. Sad people are needy and well, let’s be honest just uncomfortable to be around. No one wants that type of energy. It’s depressing and I definitley don’t want it, but I also don’t do much to pull myself out of it either. In fact, I do a real good job at making everything so much harder for myself than it has to be. A big example, taking back the man who has broken up with me about 3-4 time...

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Self Sabotage

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