I should be happy. I should feel good about what I found the nerve to do. I finally revealed my true feelings to him tonight. I love him so much, I will always love him…but I just need space. I need a break. It’s confusing to me as well, which made it even harder to explain to him. The past 3-4 years I was almost obsessed with him. I would do anything he asked. I sacrificed a lot of myself for him. I put his feelings as a number one priority, and mine came last. They came last to him too. He claimed to have loved me, but his love hurt me. It hurt me many times over and over again. There were good times, mostly in the very beginning when the “love-bombing” happened. He was perfect. It felt like God finally revealed “the one” he had planned for me. I thought, finally I can be happy. Finally, a man who gets me…wants me…and actually loves me. It felt like he knew me inside and out. He accepted me, even my dark past. We shared similar scars from life. He was checking all the boxes. But looking back, now I see they were only red flags. I was blind, naive, quick to fall, quick to trust, quick to love and give all of myself.
He said that he was feeling all the above as well. In fact what he was doing was only mirroring me. He was just saying all the things I said. He was pretending and hiding his true self.
I won’t go into detail all the issues and problems that we ran into, just know that a lot of it was gaslighting, lying, cheating, ghost me, block me, or just flat out break up with me so many times. Unfortunately, I would come back every time he asked. No questions asked. No changed behavior. I lacked boundaries. A lot of them. So did he.
Please don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t perfect. I’m far from it. I brought my own baggage into the relationship. I had toxic traits too…but none of them as severe as his. I never intentionally hurt him, never gave up..never blocked, cheated, or broke up with him. I was in it, all or nothing, good times and bad. He could do the worst to me, and after a couple weeks…come right back with a “What’s up” and I would act as if it’s just another day. I would think to myself, “he surely won’t do it again …he misses me and I’m sure he’s learned his lesson.” Yea right…he somehow learned a lesson that I definitley wasn’t teaching him. I never gave him consequences. Even if I tried, I wouldn’t hold him accountable to them.
So fast forward to now. I have actually come to a point where I just need space. I need to focus on me for once. I need to be responsible for my own damn feelings and heart. I can no longer worry about making sure he’s happy and entertained. I will always be there for him, in fact I would love to continue having him in my life, even though I know that usually causes problems in future. I just don’t want him out of life, he’s become like family to me.
I just want a break. Space. Just some damn space. He doesn’t wanna give it to me. He’s hurt…which I totally understand. Hell, I’ve literally been there, done that with him before. But he won’t be understanding, or give me a little grace with this. The way I gave him when he did this to me. Nope. It’s different now, cause it’s being done to him, and that’s just not allowed.
It’s sad, because he’s throwing me away over me only wanting to better myself, love myself so maybe I could love him better and we could grow together. He’s giving that up. It’s “all or nothing” with him. His “way or the highway”.
I tried…I really did. I just can’t give anymore man. I’ve given enough. Maybe it’s time for him to sacrifice some feelings and pain for me. He won’t do it, cause he can’t see past himself. Maybe this will be the lesson that he finally learns. A lesson for me as well. A very hard lesson. I’ll always love him. I always did, and always have. Here’s to me for once! Pray for him…and pray for me.
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