#FeelingsOutLoud

I can feel it—there’s a brighter, happier life out there just waiting for me, beckoning me to leave this one behind. But the unknown is terrifying, and so I stay stuck, clinging to what’s familiar even though it’s slowly drowning me. It’s like this new life has been waving its arms frantically, trying to get my attention. It’s begging me to let go of certain people who are dragging me down, to kick those bad habits to the curb, to take bigger, bolder steps, and to make choices that actually serve me. I know the direction I should be heading, but instead, I’m either gazing wistfully at the past or taking hesitant steps down the wrong path. I’m standing here at this fork in the road, my feet buried in the mud of my old life. And even though there are hands reaching out to help me, I ignore them, choosing the torment I know over the possibility of something better. Why do I do this to myself? How have I become so comfortable in the pain and stillness of this old life? Help me, God! I’m si...

Relationships are for me when it’s with the right person. Someone who’s putting in the same effort as me and has mutual feelings. But when it’s one person liking the other one more or one person doing all the work and the other just taking then no, I’m good on that. It’s just hard when a person personifies themselves to be a certain type of man in the beginning and you fall in love with that man, then after your hooked, that man all of a sudden changes into someone who doesn’t care and plays games and emotionally abuses you and manipulates you into staying with him. Next thing you know you’re trauma bonded with this man, and you’ll accept his bad behavior and take his bare minimum and still keep trying and I’m starting to see what’s been going on and I’m starting to see the abuse that’s been happening and it hurts like hell. To know I was basically tricked into all of this all because he’s emotionally stunted and incapable of loving anyone other than himself.   And I still don’t le...

  I wanna message you so bad, but I won’t because it would only lead to more gaslighting and manipulation. You’re a dark rabbit hole that I just can’t entertain any longer. But if I did message you, I would tell you I miss you so much, and wish you were holding me right now. I just need a hug from you, something that I rarely ever got. In fact, those good feelings that I wish I could get a little bit of right now, don’t exist. Because the version of you that I miss doesn’t exist. So thankfully, I am not writing this to you right now, and I can save myself some dignity and just write it down and then maybe burn one day when I don’t care anymore. I’m not there yet, but soon the non-existent person of you that I miss will be non existent in my mind and I’ll no longer be writing anything pertaining to you. The real and fake you. I love you so much and I miss you so bad that it hurts. Loving you seems to hurt more and more these days. It wasn’t always like that, until it was. Ok, enough...

I’ve been kinda stuck in “limbo” lately….just not really feeling anything. I’ve just felt kinda numb to everyone and everything, keep to myself…and I guess just trying to figure out what my new “normal” is gonna be. Since the break-up that I recently went through, everything has just been flipped upside down…and I lost a big part of who I was in that relationship. But….I’m starting to think I didn’t like who I was too much back then anyways….obviously he didn’t either. So I’m not exactly fighting to keep her here….I’m letting who I was with him, letting her and him go. Good Riddance.  I made that a rule after him and I broke up that I can’t lay around in my damn bed and feel sorry for myself all day or for any longer than he is laying around crying over me. And that’s none…so none for me either.  I don’t want to live like that, that won’t fix a damn thing, and it won’t bring him back to me…which again….something else I am not so sure I want back. See….? Slowly…..but surel...

It’s funny...but I’ve learned that most of the time to gain control...usually it’s only by first letting go. Still...my stubborn self will hold on to something or someone as long as I can...until the only choice I have left is to just let go. Give it to God...because I can’t anymore. It’s not meant for me to fix or I’m just doing it all wrong. Whatever the reason....it just wasn’t meant for me or it was but only for a short time. Only to be a lesson I can add to my collection of lessons. 

I’m just as silly and naive now…as I was when I was younger. Except now, I don’t have any excuses for it, by now I should be rock solid, can’t break through my walls….like military grade type shit. But nope….I somehow stay all weak and emotional and too nice, too forgiving, and definitley too damn accommodating to everyone except for myself. I mean it makes sense right? My heart is literally shattered…and some days it hurts to even breathe…but I make sure that I put a brave face on….and pretend like my life is okay…it’s not great…but it’s okay. Because no one wants to be around a sad person. Sad people are needy and well, let’s be honest just uncomfortable to be around. No one wants that type of energy. It’s depressing and  I definitley don’t want it, but I also don’t do much to pull myself out of it either. In fact, I do a real good job at making everything so much harder for myself than it has to be. A big example, taking back the man who has broken up with me about 3-4 time...